**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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