I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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