mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
