I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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