I am puke
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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