Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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