people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
