You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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