i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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