going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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