in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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