it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
