between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
