Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
