this just has baby written all over it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
