Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
