420 ftw
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
