Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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