So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
