I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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