You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
