I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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