Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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