Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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