I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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