I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
