I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
