would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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