I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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