If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
