I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
