I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
