i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I believe in your delicious
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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