Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
