White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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