Me too!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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