Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
