who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
