I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
