The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
