An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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