I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
