I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
