he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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