My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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