lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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