3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
