I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
