I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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