does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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