you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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