In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
