You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
